


what are we fighting for

by AlterImpulse



Category: Xenogears
Genre: (Because one character is a victim!), Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Anti-Religious Content, Battle, Developing Relationship, During Canon, End of the World, Fade to Black, First Time, First consensual time, Guns, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Underage Relationship(s), Kissing, M/M, Mecha, Minor Injuries, Post-Apocalypse, Priests, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Revenge, Talking, Unfortunate Implications, War, because the Fatimas are a creepy family and should be ashamed, references to Bart/Margie and Bart/Sigurd, references to unhealthy relationships, seriously though there's no sex on page here and I even feel guilty for what there is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 02:51:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18908023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlterImpulse/pseuds/AlterImpulse
Summary: Billy Lee Black and Bart Fatima. Angst, talking, kissing, TMI, and a fade. No actual sex depicted, it cuts off before it gets there. I refuse to depict anyone Billy's age having sex in any visible way, and they honestly should not be doing it, so you get no details.





	what are we fighting for

In a few months, they had all lost so much.

Ninety percent of the population of their world was  _ dead. _ Almost all of the above surface of the planet had been terraformed - in their flyovers, in their trying to battle back the Seraphs and find survivors - ruins everywhere. Kislev, mostly devastated. Bledavik, the Thames, Dazil, Bart’s old hideout, Etrenank, the Ethos Headquarters, Nisan, all either absolutely gone or in ruins with no survivors. His orphanage, itself gone, and he knew, with it, almost all of “his” children that he had tried so hard to protect, even as Solaris took their share, for what he had later realized had been horrific fates. But this… he couldn’t stop, couldn’t limit the damage and save some…

The only ones who had “a home” to go back to were Maria - though he knew the Snowfield and what was left of Shevat wouldn’t last through the winter, which had been why he had thrown himself into this effort to clear the skies of Seraphs so the Yggdrasil could fly - and Citan, who he still wasn’t sure if he trusted or not, but who  _ did _ have a better situated place than the Snowfield, that had also inexplicably survived.

Except, Billy knew as he sat there, watching the Yggdrasil’s Gear crew removing carbonglass and nanomolecular substrate from El-Renmazuo, Citan had lost so much too - his original homeland, and now his wife… and that had been the reason he had not followed them out in these missions. He had needed time alone to process… everything, and he and Fei had retreated to Fei’s room for the last two weeks, only emerging to discuss the situation and moving everything from the Snowfield to the Lahan area.

So it had been left up to him, since he had experience with fighting Wels and Reapers, to go into the fight for the planet’s surface alongside Ramsus, Seraphita, Tolone, Kelvena, and Dominia. And, for some reason, Bart had insisted on coming along for it - something Billy had at first thought useless - Andvari was actually far less powerful than El-Renmazuo or Vendetta or the girls’ combined Gear.

But he knew why. Bart, too, had lost so much - his entire kingdom that he had fought so hard to survive and then lived as a pirate for so long to free...and had, only for it to all be for nothing, for so many of his people to be  _ dead  _ and Aveh in ruins…he was here, fighting alongside them, for, Billy reasoned, the same reason he was.

Revenge. To use these Omnigears, these machines that had been intended to be parts of this “god” he had once revered and worshipped, to fight it, to  _ destroy _ these  _ things _ it had made from the people, the planet surface, the… everything it had assimilated. To eventually clear the skies and land of them to a degree that the survivors were no longer under threat from them, and then… he almost found himself thrilled from the thought - he knew hate wasn’t good, but he wanted to be there, at the end, whether he would live or die, all of the guns of El-Renmazuo blasting away at this god.

He looked up at the now permanently affixed gun - he had named it after his father. Yet he knew  _ he  _ was out there somewhere and they would reunite again -  _ “not even God can kill Jesiah,”  _ Siggy had said, with a bitter laugh, when he had said how worried he was to him one day -  _ “He probably just went off to go find the booze in Zeboim. I will bet you an Elfanana when he finds Big Joe, the two of them will raise the entire city, by accident!” _

“You doin’ all right?” Bart asked, and Billy hadn’t even noticed his presence until that moment. “That last one we fought today hit hard. Andvari got torn up pretty bad and I had to go to the infirmary again.”

“Oh…” Billy noticed the sling on his arm. “Let me take care of that. We still have it, for now.” He whispered the words that he now knew were the Ethos’ variant on the nanomolecular healing codes and focused the power - there were several, but the Ethos had, so many centuries before, laid claim to some of the Ether codes as holy, and the others had been specified as “arcane.” “Is it feeling better now?”

“Much. I should’ve seen you earlier.” A rueful laugh. “But then you  _ were _ saving my ass out there. I pulled too many of ‘em. Four of those Seraphs on the horses. It looked like they’d cornered Kelvena once they tore the four Gears apart so…”

“You wanted to save her, and you knew the others were busy.” Billy smiled. “You… really care about people a lot. You would have been a good king.”

“I...wanted to just not be a king at all, at the end.” A sigh. “Guess I shoulda been more careful what I wished for.”

“It’s not your fault.” Billy undid the sling from his arm. “It should be fine now. By the way, has Siggy ran the calculations yet for the day?”

“Yeah, we talked earlier. We’re makin’ headway here. Four days ago, the sky was so full of those things we could barely navigate the Yggdrasil. Now, we can fly almost anywhere again without being attacked. All seem to be drawing back into Yahweh as a final stand, or maybe they’ve realized we can fight back.”

“Those ‘things’ were once the people of this planet. What if we are both becoming as dismissive of them as Solaris made me of the Wels as an Etone…”

“Were bein’ the word. Living gravestones.” Bart let out a long sigh, as he leaned back against the wall. “But I’m not. I see… faces in the glass sometimes. Or bits and pieces of clothes or buildings or weapons or whatever. Shit creeps me  _ out _ , man.  What kinda god would do this to its creations?”

“One that itself needs to return to dust. Although back then, I never thought that what I once worshipped would itself truly be…”

“Yeah, that’s gotta be tough. You were so down when you found out the Ethos was just a front for Solaris…” Bart reached out for him, and let his arm fall loosely over Billy’s shoulders as he drew him into a hug. “You must be hurting as bad as any of us, you know? That what lay behind it all, was even worse!”

“It is. I… never thought it would be this bad. That it would come to this…” Billy leaned back into the hug. “That I would lose everything. My children, my  _ faith,  _ my  _ God  _ who turned out to be  _ this _ monster that took them...that took this planet and…”

“But you got us. Your friends…” Bart held onto him as if he didn’t want to let go, as if this was important for him. “And… we’re gonna survive. I don’t know how, once we get rid of that...thing, but we’ve all come too far to just die, y’know?”

“You’re right.” Billy smiled through his tears, a faint smile. “Somehow. If we win...it must not be for nothing.”

“Can I make a confession to you?” Bart asked, almost shyly, a shyness Billy had never before heard in his voice. “I mean, if you still take them.”

“Why not?” Billy replied with a shrug. “The act of confession needs no God. Just get it off your chest, you know?”

“I’m fighting for  _ you _ . Not for Aveh and Bledavik, they’re  _ gone _ now. Not for Sig, he can take care of himself. For Margie, but… I’m obligated to her. For myself and for all the shit this has brought to me that I never wanted. But… mostly for you. Seeing you had to go through so much… how you’ve been hurt… if there’s one reason I fight above all else, it’s you.”

“So… you are not out there with us purely for revenge, as I thought?”

“A little. Who isn’t? But… I wanna protect you. Even if Andvari isn’t  _ as _ good as Vendetta or your El-Renmazuo… I wanna do what I can to help you.” A smile. “And besides, you know I’m gonna win. I’m fuckin’ Bart the Immortal, so don’t you forget it.”

“And…” Billy laid back against him. “I like that. I like having someone who cares about me. I have taken on everything for everyone for so long, and… to be truly alone… if you had not been there for me, here for me…”

“Aw, man, don’t start cryin’ on me. It makes me feel bad too.” Bart punched his arm and then drew him in for another hug. “I...uh. So.”

“This feels nice…” Billy cuddled in closer, half expecting Bart to shove him away, to tell him no, as he had when he had made the offer before…

Except he didn’t. He held him closer, hot breath against his ear. “You...do like me back, don’t you?” Bart asked, his body tensing slightly. “I...ah, kinda… hoped you did. Except… are you sure...it’s not obligation itself?”

“Absolutely not. Consider this the first of many freely given gifts.” With that, Billy whirled around and locked his lips on Bart’s before the other could say anything in an impulsive kiss that felt as if he were truly, for the first time since he had joined the Ethos,  _ alive. _

The playful enthusiasm with which he accepted that kiss and kissed back - entirely what Billy had expected, yet had not  _ seen _ from Bart since the fall of Bledavik had been confirmed.  _ You are still there. Still yourself, irrepressible. _

“Th...thanks,” Bart whispered against Billy’s lips as he caught his breath and broke from the kiss. “Pretty good for a priest,” he teased.

“And you are not bad for a virgin,” Billy teased back, playfully punching him in the side. Of course he knew what those words would result in - the pirate king of Aveh blushing hard and stammering.

“Uh...yeah, about that. It’s not like I’ve had that many chances and choices. One time Sig and I were alone and bored and thank  _ fuck  _ Fei walked in on us and we had to stop, knowin’ what I know now. I...ah, in my defense I didn’t know we were, like,  _ related.” _

“...or you did, but you didn’t really care.” Billy shrugged. “I’m not judging you, though. I have… seen and experienced far worse than half brothers fooling around.”

Bart nodded. “I kinda guessed, from your willingness to sell your body. You… Isaac.”

“Unfortunately, yes.” Billy looked down. “And I rather envy Fei. I can’t forget it. And now that he remembers - was making him remember the right thing?”

“I’m not sure, myself.” Bart whispered. “I mean, I envy that too. I… there isn’t a night I don’t feel Shakhan’s whip, even if he stopped at beating me… I don’t wanna remember but I do.” He closed his eyes, and sat there in silence for a moment. “So… what’re you gonna do tonight? It’s not like we can go on another run until these repairs are done. The girls’ Gears are trashed. Vendetta, too, is pretty much toast until the angel armor is repaired, and that’s gonna take another ten hours. I… never thought Kahr was that impulsive to dive in with me to save them. Kinda gives me some respect for him.”

Billy smiled at that. “You look for that, don’t you. That’s how you see…”

“Who someone really is, y’know? That’s what made me and Fei friends. That’s… the only reason I’m not suspicious of Citan anymore - that he overcalculated and actually made a fuckin’ mistake for once and can, like, accept that he did.” Bart shrugged. “A man who doesn’t take a chance is a man I don’t trust. ‘Cause someone who don’t take chances is someone tryin’ to play both sides. Like him and Sig  _ both _ were for too long. Eventually you gotta  _ do _ something.”

“When… this is over, if we survive, where are you going to go? What are you going to do?” Billy allowed himself to lie back in Bart’s arms, and idly twisted the end of that blonde braid between his fingers. “I don’t know, myself.”

“I don’t, either. Aveh and Bledavik are gone. I don’t have my kingdom anymore. I guess… this, the Yggdrasil, is it now. So…”

“Let’s make it both our own.” Billy stared at him, looking into those stunning deep blue eyes.  _ The Fatima Jasper, a living treasure _ … “I love you.”

“You… you’re sure about that?” Bart asked, and yet he stared back, and then moved forward for another kiss. “Because I’m not even sure I know what love is. I know Margie and I are supposed to get married and produce a heir, but… I don’t wanna be tied down to my obligations once more…”

“It’s not an obligation.” Billy kissed him once more, a gentle kiss. “You and me… we’re not  _ obligated.  _ We… share experiences, understanding each other, but that’s not because of someone telling us that. Or because our ancestors did it. In fact…” He looked at him, his hands on Bart’s face, cradling it as he looked into those eyes once more. “I’m pretty sure all the Fatima ancestors would be confused that you broke from tradition to take it out of the family… like your father did when he fell in love with Siggy’s mom.”

“Tradition…” Bart smiled. “Now I understand. So… obligation was my mother, but love was…that desert nomad…”

“Or, for you, this ex-priest.” Another kiss. “And… you could go with tradition. If you need to be with Margie… I can simply be your adviser. I would not ask to be co-regent if you did re-establish a kingdom.”

“...The kingdom is dead.” Bart held him close. “And I’m free from it now. To make my own choices.” A passionate kiss. “Let’s find somewhere private. If you wish to…”

“I do.” Billy grabbed both of his hands in his own. “I...there was a reason I made that offer to you back then.”

“I barely knew you! Also, I wouldn’t ever make a deal like that! Plus, you were still a little too young for me.”

“You’re only a year and a half older…” Billy teased, and kissed his neck once more, inhaling deeply of the smell - the cologne he knew didn’t really exist, but was Bart’s own way of manipulating the Ether power they both had. Nevertheless it smelled good, and almost soothing in a way. “But now we’re good, right?”

“ _ Fuck _ yeah.” And with that, Bart held him to himself, kissing him with an intensity, an  _ aliveness  _ that seemed to be so unique to himself, as if it were its own rebellion to the gravity of their situation. “Mmm. You like that?”

“Very much… you can probably feel it,” Billy whispered back. “I… in the Ethos we were not supposed to let this happen…”

“Then consider it something else you’re free to enjoy now.” A snort. “I couldn’t have even imagined not bein’ able to at least do it to myself. Even without someone else…”

“I cannot say I did not have some very interesting dreams, when my body took care of itself.” He smiled back at him. “Are you absolutely sure? Like you said, once you lose some things…”

“You can never get them back.” That cute smile again, the roguish smirk that just seemed so much like  _ Bart _ . “But… I’m okay with that with you, if you are with me. If anything you got more to lose.”

“I wouldn’t be too certain about that.” Billy said, and leaned in for one more kiss. “I’m pretty sure both of us will...still respect each other, you know? It’s not like...we are simply using each other for escape, is it?”

“Who cares if we are? Who wouldn’t want to escape even for a moment? We gotta take what opportunities we have left. And…” he broke away from the next kiss, and Billy looked into those eyes once more as Bart spoke with a quiet vulnerability. “You’ve had my respect since the beginning. Because… you didn’t just giggle and put up with my being a jackass.” That smile once more. “I… I don’t have to worry I’ve gone too far with you, because you’ll make sure I know it. Margie… she’s too quiet. She just soaks it all in, and tries to perform her role. And… that scares me. I feel like I’m responsible for her. But I’m not responsible for you unless you want me to be.”

“One thing I have learned from all of these events is that I am responsible for myself.” Billy cuddled against him. “I sleep in the gun room, but I don’t think the Maison wants to overhear us on the couch below there…”

“I’m sure he doesn’t. I think he threw a pitcher of water on Citan and Sig when they were getting a little too into reuniting, and told them to  _ please _ go to one of the empty rooms.” Bart laughed, and knocked on the door of one of the guest rooms. No reply, and he entered the keycode for the door, which slid open to reveal that they indeed had the room to themselves.

With that, Billy spun around to push him back toward the bed. “You’re all flash, all show out there on the field... I hope you’re more than that when it’s just us."


End file.
